Love is first a feeling, but foremost a choice.
The feeling is fleeting--it can quickly be filed away or discarded or it can fade. When followed by a choice, however, the feeling of love becomes a powerful thing indeed. It becomes whole. And this is when the work begins.
To stay in whole love, a choice must be made every moment of every day--a choice to fight, a choice to stay, a choice to be faithful, a choice to do our best to give our whole selves to that person.
I once made that choice for 2193 days--more if you count the roughly 28 days afterward that I tried to keep fighting, even though I knew it was for nought.
Another time, I made that choice for 767 days--again, more if you count the roughly 60 days afterward that I tried to keep fighting, even though I knew it was for nought.
Both times, I kept fighting--knowing it was a losing battle, knowing I was the only one fighting in a struggle that required two. At first, I kept fighting (kept choosing) because I was in love, because I didn't want to live without my partners. Eventually, I kept fighting (kept choosing) because it felt comfortable, because it felt righteous, because it felt dutiful.
I kept fighting (kept choosing) because I believe fighting is sometimes required. Because sometimes, the feeling is going to fade for a while, but I believe we can choose our way through the faded spots. (The thing is, this probably requires both parties to choose; not just one.)
Both times, I stopped fighting because I became tired, with the type of exhaustion you feel in your bones and in your soul.
And both times, when I stopped fighting, I first felt like a failure. I felt like I had abandoned my post. I felt vast loss, like I had given up on something good, something meaningful.
Once that feeling passed, I began to feel guilty. I'm feeling that way right now, actually: Guilty.
After 60 days of fighting, give or take, with no real purpose, I gave up. I opened myself to choosing myself, or even to choosing someone else. And I feel guilty for it. Happy, satisfied, optimistic, sure of my decisions, but guilty.
This should be harder. But it isn't. I should still be grieving. But I'm not. I shouldn't be happy. But I am. I shouldn't be ready to move on. But I am.
I'm simply making another choice.
(Is that okay?)
It is more than OK to feel OK! A similar feeling found me after I chose to stop fighting for my last partner. I felt guilty. Then I talked to the people who know me best and one of them offered this kernel of insight. She said, maybe you don't feel as sad because you did your grieving while still in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThat changed me. I realized that's exactly what I'd been doing,even in the midst of fighting for it to work, I was also grieving the loss of what I had hoped it would have been; a mutual fight with mutual compromising. In the end I was exhausted and even 365 days later I get exhausted when I think about that relationship. People will say, and rightfully so, that relationships take work. But, just as you stated, the work needs to be on both sides and if a person doesn't want to put in the time you are entitled to respect yourself and put up the white flag. Always respect yourself. You deserve it.
Thanks, Andrea! It's nice to know other people have felt the same way. And I think what your friend said definitely rings true for me: I think I'm just to the point where I'm relieved to not have to fight anymore.
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