Submission Isn't Sexy

A friend of mine recently wrote a really well-spoken blog post about the trend in movies and TV shows of showing cheating in a positive light. She argues that many story-lines ask the viewer to root for the cheating couple because "they are meant to be."

Morgan's post got me thinking about other trendy tropes in pop culture. While she wants to know when cheating became romantic, I want to know why submission is still portrayed as sexy.

We see it all the time. I've noticed it a lot in Scandal, when Olivia says "No" and Fitz pulls her in for a kiss anyway. Usually, Olivia is overcome by the supposed romance of the situation and submits to the kiss.

Via

This "no means yes" trope does two things to our culture: First, it makes some of us think that we can say "no" and expect our partners to recognize the times when we really mean "yes." Second, it makes some of us believe that when our partner says "no," it might really mean "yes."

The first effect dilapidates interpersonal communication in relationships. I'm going to go ahead and admit that in my previous relationship, I did this. I was stubborn and would be so mad that I would tell my ex not to touch me, but what I really wanted was for him to pull me in.

I said "no," but what I really wanted to say was "yes." Instead of communicating my need for physical touch, I fell into this fantasy that our partners can somehow mind read and know when "no" means "no" and when it really means "yes."

But no one can read minds. Instead, the second effect of this pop culture message makes us believe that "no" can mean "yes."

And we wonder why we're living in a rape culture.

Bloggers such as this one have taken it upon themselves to write how-to posts on determining when a woman's "no" really means "yes":

"Here's the main thing to consider: She can be saying 'no' with her words and even with her situational body language. But if you've been unmistakably clear about your sexual intent and then she comes to your room, she is open to being seduced. Otherwise, she wouldn't be there."

Uhm, excuse me?

This is a dangerous and frightening reality that we face.

Sexy submission isn't a new trend. As Morgan pointed out in a Facebook conversation we had, this trope was prevalent more than 200 years ago in Pride and Prejudice, in which Mr. Collins refuses to accept Elizabeth's "no" as actually meaning "no."

Jane Austen got it. She wanted the reader to see the absolute insanity of this system in which Mr. Collins "knew" Elizabeth so well that he "knew" she really wanted him. He loved her so much that he just couldn't give up.

But it is especially scary that 50 years after the beginning of second-wave feminism, media makers are still trying to convince women that they should submit to men, and men that they should exert their power over women.

This is why we still need feminism. Because we shouldn't play coy. Because we should know that when someone says "no," it really means "no."