Virginity Rhetoric Ruined My Marriage, Too

I recently read this article about how pre-marital sexual "purity" ruined this writer's marriage. The author, Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, talks about how she didn't recognize that she and her significant other were not sexually compatible until after they got married. Because they hadn't had sex, Henriquez didn't recognize the lack of passion in her relationship.

In Henriquez's story, sex became an experience to endure rather than one to enjoy -- she writes about making grocery lists in her head while having intercourse.

My sexual story is similar to Henriquez's in many ways. I didn't save myself for marriage (sorry Mom and Dad!), but I did save myself for commitment. By the time we had sex (my first time), my ex and I had decided that we would someday be married.

At one point in my freshman year of college, I had a moment of clarity. I suddenly saw that we had grown apart. I broke up with him. I cared about him -- LOVED him even -- but I knew it wouldn't work.

Via

I remember realizing a few days into that break up that I wasn't a virgin. "No one will ever love me again," I cried to my best friend. "Good men only want virgins. They don't want to compete with your previous partners."

My very wise friend tried to tell me that it wasn't true. But I firmly believed in this lesson that I had been taught at summer camp in fourth grade, at youth group when I was 13, and in Sunday school my last year of high school. Men don't want other guy's sloppy seconds.

So I bucked up, swallowed my pride, and asked for him back. A few months later, we were engaged. A couple years later, we were married.

Today, I'm not only not a virgin, but I am also a divorcee. And I am here to tell you that I am still desired. Men still ask me on dates. Good men still want to pursue relationships with me. In fact, I'm in a relationship with a very sweet guy right now.

Oh, and I am no one's sloppy seconds.

Christian virginity rhetoric does more harm than good. The "sloppy seconds" argument didn't scare me out of having sex before marriage. Instead, the rhetoric scared me away from leaving a relationship that should have ended years before it did. Instead, the rhetoric made me believe that I was somehow unworthy of a healthy relationship.