5 Things Not to Say to a Young Divorcee

When my husband first left, I spent a week sitting on my couch snuggling with my dog, watching CSI: Miami on Netflix, and eating potato chips. I was a mess.

Overall, my friends, family, and acquaintances became an amazing support system. But there were also a lot of comments that were hurtful. I don't think the hurt was purposeful. In fact, I think the comments were often meant as supportive. Unfortunately, that's not always how they came across.

With all of these comments, I've compiled a list of 5 things not to say to a young divorcee. While focused on young divorcees, many of these comments could be hurtful to elder divorcees too.

1. "It was such a short marriage, so it doesn't really count." This is perhaps the most hurtful of all. My marriage was short, but I put my all into one person for the time we had. In fact, I had put my heart and soul into our relationship for 6 years. It shouldn't matter how long we had been together. What should matter is the fact that we made a commitment, and that commitment was betrayed. What should matter is we had blended our lives. What should matter is we were in love. That's a marriage. That counts.
2. "He was probably wanting to leave you for a long time." My husband left suddenly. We went on a date and were happy Wednesday. I left town for a conference for work Thursday. I got home Sunday, and he had moved out. Yes, maybe he had been thinking about leaving for a long time, but I don't need to hear that. That comment comes across to me as saying he hadn't wanted me for a long time; he hadn't loved me for a long time. Maybe that's true, but I'd rather not think about it.
3. "At least there aren't any kids. That must make it easier." Yes. Thank God there aren't any children. I'm glad for that. But the fact that we never had children does not make the loss I'm experiencing any easier. It's not valuable to compare bad situations. You wouldn't say to someone who suffered a heart attack, "At least you don't have cancer." Both situations suck. Both situations hurt. Not having cancer doesn't make the heart attack survivor feel better. Not having children doesn't make the young, childless divorcee feel better either.
4. "You were so young. You didn't really know what you were doing." I was young, but I knew exactly what I was doing. I wasn't naive. I knew and was ready to make the commitment of marriage. I knew the statistics, and I knew there was a chance our marriage would fail, but I was willing to take that chance. I believed in our love.
5. "You'll be better off without him." Maybe that's true, but that's not the path I chose. It's the path I was forced to take. This comment puts me in the awkward position of either commiserating with the commenter and complaining about my ex-husband, or defending his standing as a great man. Don't make me do this. Please.

My final suggestion: Next time you're speaking to someone going through a messy situation, try to think about the complexity of what that person is feeling before you make off-handed comments.