Today would have been four years married to the man who was once my best friend, confidant, lover, husband.
Today, I also spent time with the man with whom I've spent the last two years and four months, with whom I honestly thought about spending my life, but who no longer wants a girlfriend (no longer wants me).
Today I went to work at an awesome job at the ACLU of Washington State, and I saw the incredibly difficult lives many live and the incredibly burdensome things many go through, and I thought about how I don't have to worry about being arrested or being homeless or getting three meals a day.
Today I thought about my academic successes (like having two papers accepted to a national conference and earning great grades), and I got to talk to my mom, and I received a text from my dad, and I admired my lovely Seattle apartment, and I snuggled my sweet dog.
But today I also picked my skin so much that my scalp bled and I had to put band aids on my cuticles on two fingers.
Today I cried on the bus home.
Today, I want to feel wanted and secure, but I feel rejected and lost.
Today, I want to go home, but I'm not sure where that is. I feel like I lost my childhood home somewhere between my wedding and my parents' divorce, and I feel like I lost my first adult home when my husband left and my second when my recent boyfriend left.
Today I saw my dad's comment on my ex-husband's Facebook status, where he told my ex he would always think of him as a son, and I thought about how his parents don't think of me as a daughter. I also saw how inspiring my ex's status was--how he reflected on his growth over the past four years--and I wanted to write something equally inspiring, but I knew I couldn't.
Today, my colitis acted up and I took 7 pills to deal with it, probably a result of my anxiety acting up.
Today I think about how objectively awesome and privileged my life is, but how I still feel like it's unnatural and wrong and heavy, how it's not the life I wanted. And I feel guilty for feeling dejected because I know it could be worse.
Today, I'm tired.
Dear, precious Lindsey. I am so sorry for your many losses and wish I could erase those hard things from your life and replace them with happy, kind things that would remind you of what a treasure you are. You have been such a blessing in my life and I have always admired your enthusiasm for whatever or whomever you commit to, your spunk and your beautiful smile! I know there are not enough words or accolades that can wipe away the hurts and losses but I do believe that in recognizing and accepting them and moving forward to make your way as you are doing will help you feel better about yourself, about life and your future. You will create that "home" that your heart longs for and it will be beautiful and a reflection of your lovely soul. Please remember that you are created in the image of God and His character reveals love, wisdom, compassion, kindness, warmth, strength and so much more. I see these characteristics in you my dear Lindsey and pray that you will also. I love you like my own granddaughter and have always been so grateful that you took Willa under your wing and made her feel at home! I love you sweet girl and if I could, I would wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. As a friend once advised me when I was struggling with my self worth, "wrap myself in a hug!" I thought it was a very silly idea but I promised I would do it and I can honestly say it made me feel better and I have done it more than that one time! So please embrace your wonderful self instead of hurting yourself. I love you sweetie! "Grandma" Judy
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