My old life.
The one where I was married, planning on having kids, living near my family. The one where I had security. The one where I knew how to trust. The one where I wasn't alone or lonely. The one where I was someone's priority.
It's crazy, because, by most calculations, I have a pretty awesome life right now. I'm in an amazing relationship with a wonderful man. I'm studying something about which I'm really passionate, at a school I love.
But I just feel so alone.
Lately, my body has been falling apart. My endo has been acting up, and I've been having some symptoms that make my doctors believe I've developed ulcerative colitis as well. This could mean huge changes to my already pretty constrained diet. It could mean operations. It probably means a lot of visits to doctors in the next couple months.
And they found lumps in my breast. It's probably nothing, and I'm having more tests done to look into it in a couple weeks, but it's freaking me out.
The worst part is there's no one to go through this stuff with me. I have to go to the doctors' offices by myself. I have to figure out which friends are able to take me to get tests done that require I receive anesthesia. I have to come home, feeling sick and tired, and figure out how to keep my house somewhat clean, keep myself and my dog fed, and get my homework done. Alone.
I can't do it. And no one believes me when I tell them this.
And so I miss the future I was supposed to have. The one in which I was healthy. The one in which I was not alone.
And I also recognize that life is very much a figment of my imagination. When I think hard about it, I remember feeling just as alone in my marriage as I feel now. I remember feeling like I was no one's priority. I remember feeling sick (at the time with endo) and feeling like I couldn't do it all. But I can't help but feel nostalgic about the thing that never even was.
No comments:
Post a Comment