Wishing for Family

One of my favorite parts of being married was having a second family. After growing up in a hostile, chaotic household, having a new family felt like a second chance. It felt like a chance to be a part of a group of people who, although not perfect, loved the hell out of each other and were nearly always kind.

My second family -- my new in-laws -- the day of my wedding.

I'm missing that a lot today. My grandpa died a couple weeks ago, and my family planned the funeral in such a way that it was a physical impossibility for me to attend. I was alone to grieve.

A couple days ago, my great grandma died. I never met her in person because my dad wouldn't allow us to have a relationship. She had said some demeaning comments to him at one point, and he held a grudge. I had been hoping to meet her before she passed, because she was the matriarch of the family. But she died without this ever happening.

Like with my grandpa's funeral, I won't be able to attend my great-grandma's service. This time, it's not because of physical impossibility. It's because I wasn't invited. In fact, no one even called to offer condolences. I can't call my mom to talk about it, partially because she's grieving too (probably more), and partially because she and my sister decided to go on vacation in Mexico. I can't call my dad because he's mad at me, and because he would just tell me what an awful person my great-grandma was, and I don't need that.

I'm missing having a second mom who I can call when my own family fails me. I'm missing feeling like there's someone out there whom I can count on. I'm missing having my second chance at a family that loves me unconditionally and is always there.