To Be Unequally Yoked, Part I

I've been in my new town a few weeks now. I have met a lot of new people in the last few weeks, and with these introductions always come games of 20 questions:

"What's your name?"
"Where are you from?"
"Where did you go to undergrad?"
"Oh! You went to a Christian school? So you're religious?"
"What did you major in?"
"Why UNC?"
"Is it hard being so far from family?"
"Did you leave behind a significant other?"
"What does he do?"

It's usually pretty standard questions that don't get too intrusive. But, the other day, the conversation got complicated:

"Well, at least you and your boyfriend have your faith to get you through being apart."
Me: "Well, actually, he isn't Christian."
"Why are you dating a non-Christian? Don't you know we're called to be equally yoked?"

My initial reaction was to blurt out, "F*** you. It's none of your business." I should have told the woman that I am not a farm animal. At the moment, though, I had a loss for words and only told her I had to go.

Second Corinthians 6:14 says this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

It's a sentiment you hear around Christian circles all the time: date believers; marry believers; be friends with believers. I've even seen "Seeking Christian roommate" ads.

But it's a sentiment (and, really, a verse) that has always bugged me. I have no alternative reading of the verse, no real "Christian" reason for rejecting it. But I have analytical issues with it.

First, the idea that believers should marry/date/seek friendships with only believers often presupposes that non-believers have some drastically different values. It seems to place a "heathen" label on non-Christians that, frankly, they usually don't deserve.

Second, it often presupposes that believers always have similar values, which is also often unfair and untrue.

When you're looking for a "Christian" roommate, for example, are you really looking for a Christian, or are you looking for someone who won't bring guys home for overnight visits, who won't drink copious amounts, who will be honest, and who will respect you?

If it's the latter, then your ad for a "Christian roommate" is a mislead endeavor, because -- let's be real -- being Christian really doesn't mean anything.

There are Christians who have premarital sex.

There are Jews who don't.

There are atheists who don't.

There are Muslims who don't. (etc.)

There are Christians who drink too much.

There are non-Christians who don't.

There are Christians who lie.

There are non-Christians who don't.

There are Christians who commit all kinds of egregious (and not so egregious) social wrongs. And for every one of those terrible acts, there are non-Christians who don't.

Let's get back to the question of dating (and of marriage). It could be argued that the roommate question is a much easier qualm to quiet. For me, though, it's a very similar analysis.

Things I look for in a significant other include (but are not limited to) the following:

1. Someone who respects me.
2. Someone who makes me laugh.
3. Someone with whom I have things in common.
4. Someone from whom I can learn.
5. Someone with whom I have differences.
6. Someone with whom I can resolve differences.
7. Someone who makes me feel comfortable.
8. Someone whom I can trust.

Could a Christian be all of these things? Probably. Could a Christian fail at one or more of these things? Absolutely. Could a non-Christian be all of these things? Absolutely.

The point is, I'm not looking for a Christian; I'm looking for someone with whom I can be equally yoked. I'm looking for someone with who is on my level, so to speak. I'm looking for balance. And Christianity really has very little to do with that.

Religion is just one piece of the puzzle of personal identity. It's a piece that can and often does influence other pieces, but it's not the end-all-be-all.

I want to talk a bit about why I actually think mixed-faith relationships (romantic or otherwise) are deeply fruitful, beneficial relationships, but this post is already a bit long. I'll talk about that in another post soon.