This is Mental Illness

My chin trembles. My jaw locks. The tears pour from my eyes. I can't catch my breath. I keep trying to breathe, but my lungs won't fill. I can't get up. I sit on the floor in a corner, holding a blanket or sweatshirt or pillow if I can. My hands shake. I feel dizzy. My body starts to seize up. The world is ending. No one loves me. I'm trapped. I'm trapped in my brain, in my house, in this corner. I should die. I wish I could start my life over. I wish I could take back all the mistakes. It's just a spiral. I can't get better. Life won't get better. It's just the same bullshit over again, but with different masks.

This is me during a panic attack. My face looks stupid, but that's the position it gets stuck in when I have a bad panic attack. I don't know how to fix it when it happens.

Sometimes human interaction helps, but I live alone right now. I could call my mom, my best friend, or my boyfriend, but I honestly don't know if any of them get it. I usually feel like I'm just annoying them.

Sometimes watching PBS Frontline helps. It's something about Will Lyman's voice that I find soothing. But when it's at this point, even Mr. Lyman can't calm me down.

Snuggling my emotional support animal helps. But it's not enough always.

I feel defeated. I'm inherently broken. I feel like I can't be fixed. I feel like it's a spiral. Even though I love my life -- I love my school, my job, my house, my boyfriend -- I can't shake this anxiety that it's all a farce or it'll otherwise soon be gone.

And every time something doesn't go as planned, or as I imagine it, it's a trigger. It's like fate is telling me, "See?! Nothing will ever work out!"

And then I get anxious. And then I feel like I annoy those I love. And then I get more anxious, because I figure if I annoy them enough, they'll leave. And then the spiral continues.